Thank you to all who shared how painful cognitive dissonance is. It was that way for me. There were so many issues, but it boiled down to this: My husband left, my daughter left and my son was DF’d. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea that I could be happy living forever in paradise without my family. If I was going to be happy Jehovah would have to wipe out my memory of them. If god did that, just who would that be in paradise—not me, because I am a wife and a mother.
I had an intensive out-patient hospitalization for severe, recurrent clinincal depression and post traumatic stress disorder in January, 2011. I was unable to go out in service. I even told an elder that I couln’t study with a young mother with an infant baby, because I didn’t want her to end up in a marriage in a divided household with an unbelieveing mate just like I was. (Please excuse all the “theocratic language”.) It is just too painful. He said, “At least she would have Jehovah” and walk away. I resigned from the TMS, because I would have panic attacks preparing to give a talk and would blank out (dissociate) on the stage.
In April of that same year, I was sitting at a Service Meeting. They were droning on about the importance of the field ministry, because Armegeddon was sooo close and sooo many people were going to die. That was my tipping point. I thought, ‘If one more person tell me my kids are going to die. . . ‘ I walked out of that meeting and spent six weeks on my couch sorting through all of my doctrinal issues (When I first heard the Overlapping Generation doctrine, I thought, “That’s crap!” Hearing that the feet in Daniel’s dream image meant nothing made me burst out laughing), and I remembered all the injustices and hurt caused from JW doctrine over my 42 years in (I was there for 1975 and remember being told not to go to college, there wasn’t any time, I would not grow up, get married and have children. The dates in the Daniel’s prophesy book just don’t add up, The Revelation Climax dates and their obvious foolishness, the blood doctrie, disfellowshipping and shunning , the change in the definition of porneia, etc.)
I went the summer DC on July 4 th weekend 2011 and realized I was surrounded by the Stepford wives. It was creepy. I told my family I wasn’t going to be a JW anymore. My son said, “Whoa, I didn’t see that one coming!” It took me a while with lots of therapy, but I am now depression free and off all psyciatric medications.
